"We're the Goodies, Yes the Goodies, oh the Goodies are coming for you - ha ha ha ha!"
You Must Be the Husband
Starring: Tim Brooke- Taylor, Dianne Keen, Sheila Steafel.
Written by: Colin Bostock- Smith
Directed by: John Kilby (1st series)
Directed by: Richard Boden (2nd series)
Produced by: John Kilby
Pilot Episode
Plot
‘You Must Be the Husband’ is a British sitcom which starred Tim Brooke-Taylor in the title role of Tom Hammond, Diane Keen as his wife, Alice Hammond, and with Sheila Steafel as Alice’s Literary tycoon agent, Miranda Shaw. One day happily married Tom and Alice are catapulted out of their comfortable lives when Alice, a budding romance novelist, gets her big break and her first novel is published. Although Tom is happy for his wife and proud of her achievements he finds he is falling by the wayside as Alice is thrust into fame and fortune. Our story is complicated further by Alice’s literary agent Miranda Shaw who sees Tom as holding Alice back from reaching her true potential. Here is where our story begins.
Episode 1”The Postman Cometh”
Tom and Alice Hammond have been married for 20 years. Tom is in bathroom fittings and Alice is a stay-at-home mum whose twin children have left the nest. When Alice discovers she has a knack for writing naughty romance novels, fame and fortune is quickly bestowed upon the happy couple. Let the mayhem begin. Each episode surrounds Tom’s neurotic descent into spousal mistrust, all of which begins when the postman (AKA Postman Pat) arrives with a parcel delivery for Alice. The stage is set as Tom is warned by Pat that he had better beware, if his parcel is from the Dirty Book Club he is at risk of being buried under an avalanche of pornography.
With this thought in mind Tom tells Alice that a parcel has arrived for her whilst relaying the possible headline, “Company Director, Tom Hammond, Of No Fixed Abode (Hmmmm, now that sounds familiar), was found buried under an avalanche of pornography.” Tom is distracted from his daydream by Alice who is madly unwrapping her parcel on the bed. A discussion soon begins about the sort of rubbish the book club keeps sending. Alice tells Tom, “this one looks alright. It’s a blazing saga of love, life, hope and passion”.
“Ah sex!” exclaims Tom, “and talking of sex.”
“What about sex?”
“Ah sorry we haven’t got time,” and with this Tom leans in and give Alice a kiss, “you’ll have to make do with this”. With that he is out the door and none the wiser about his wife’s literary success.
From the bedroom to the office and Tom is in fine form. Sitting across from his boss Gerald, the procrastinator, we quickly find out that Tom was unsuccessful in his bid for the role of Director. “You Sod! Oh sod it, Oh sod it, sod it”, exclaims Tom, “The flush”, Hammond, “Tell me who got the job so I can kill him”.
Tom’s unsuccessful bid for Director of Bathroom Fittings sees him arrive home early to be greeted at the front door of his own house by a stranger with, “Ah you must be the husband.” He discovers Alice in the kitchen with a pile of books and a woman named Miranda. Tom soon discovers the secret his wife was keeping in her bra and pants drawer while explaining to Miranda that he was clueless about the book because he had his own bra and pants drawer. Our story continues when, after encouraging Tom to read her new novel, Alice is not surprised to hear that he is “shocked” especially in regard to the hero of the novel, “Steve”, who can do many a wondrous thing with a goose feather. Not only is Tom shocked but he is worried and after a very lively discussion about “Steve” the chicken plucker, Tom nicks off down to the pub to drink his worries away.
On returning home Tom enters the bedroom and sees a sleeping Alice. As Tom readies himself for bed he pours his heart out regarding his true feelings about Alice’s literary success, “What is going to happen when people read it? You’re going to be a star, how am I going to do my tedious little job when I don’t have to? I know Steve doesn’t really exist but you had to have one didn’t you? Tom wasn’t enough.” Feeling very sorry for himself, Tom climbs into bed next to Alice who rolls over and, still asleep, embraces her husband with the words, “Night Night Steve.” Tom grins – Steve’s secret identity has been revealed.
Classis Quotes
#Tom enters the kitchen disturbing Alice and Miranda’s meeting…
Alice: “Oh Lord!”
Tom: “I’ve told her not to call me that.”
# Tom arrives home disappointed that he didn’t get his promotion…
Tom to Miranda: “I came home in a huff. I often come home in a huff; it’s quicker than the train.”
#Tom is questioning Miranda on her role in the creation of Alice’s novel, did she help write it, edit it…?
Tom: “What exactly do you do?”
Miranda: “I’m your wife’s agent.”
Tom: “Ah you don’t do anything.”
#Tom is questioning Alice on the inspiration for the more steamy sex scenes in her novel…
Tom: “There are only two questions I want to ask. Who is he and who the hell is he?”
# Miranda is leaving and needs a lift to the train station…
Alice: “Tom, do you mind running Miranda to the train?”
Tom: “Only if she gives me a 50 yard start.”
# Gerald: “You don’t mind just sitting here having a chat, do you Tom?”
Tom: “Good Lord no. You’re the boss, it’s your time, let’s waste it.”
#Alice is explaining to Tom about the Steve character in her novel…
Alice: “Steve is a myth, like Father Christmas.”
Tom: “Well that explains something else then doesn’t it.”
Alice: “What?”
Tom: “Why Father Christmas is always going Ho Ho Ho!”
Fan Review
You Must Be the Husband was a BBC sitcom with a captivating storyline, looking at the strain placed on a relationship when one spouse is suddenly catapulted to fame and fortune. This is the basic premise of the show, with a strong reliable cast, who, especially in the first 2 shows, really started to develop a good working relationship. The chemistry between Tim and Diane was very believable and displayed definite possibilities. Their onscreen banter was certainly refreshing and very natural. While Sheila Steafel demonstrated strong comic timing both she and Diane Keen provided classic straight characters which enable Tim’s character to deliver some really funny lines. This was quite evident when, in response to Tom’s constant concern regarding the inspiration for the love scenes so graphically written about in Alice’s book, Alice remarks, “oh Lord”, Tom responds, “I’ve told her not to call me that”, followed quickly by, “I only have two questions. Who is he? And who the hell is he?” I dare you not to giggle at that witty show, especially when it is delivered with such classic comedic timing.
On the Giddies-Shag-O-Meter XXXX kisses out of 5 - Everyone was finding their groove and this show has lots of potential.
Transmission Details
Number of episodes: 13 Length: 30 mins
Series One (7) 8 Sep-20 Oct 1987 • BBC1 Tue 8.30pm
Series Two (6) 29 Feb-4 Apr 1988 • BBC1 Mon mostly 8.30pm
Episode 2 More Money Then Sense
Our second installment of ‘You Must Be The Husband’ starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Diane Keene and Sheila Seafel continues where the pilot episode left off. Tom is facing a dilemma after missing out on his much-coveted promotion as Director of ‘The Bathroom Fittings Company’ and witnessing Alice’s surprisingly fast-paced literary career. Should he continue with his job or start afresh somewhere else now that money is not an issue?
Tom is still in bed when Alice enters the room and opens the curtains. Tom has been dreaming about his mother, zebras and buckets, it was one of those types of dreams. Alice asks Tom if he is going to work today as she hands him a cup of tea. He replies, in a very nonchalant manner, that he doesn’t really have to go in now that he is the husband of Alice Hammond, famous literary sensation. With that Alice reaches over and starts tickling Tom.
“Get off, Alice stop that” he laughs and Alice continues to tickle him.
“You’ll get me all excited”. With that Alice stops immediately. Tom sits up, “Yeah I thought that would stop you”. Alice hands Tom a bank statement letter which he proceeds to open. As Tom and Alice discuss the religious experience of opening a bank statement the conversation turns to the money Alice will be receiving for her novel. When Alice replies that the agency has already sent a little money, Tom tries to decipher the value of this so called new currency. “2 littles make a smidgen, 20 smidgens a wallop, 100 wallops 1 thud.” On investigation it is discovered that Alice has been paid £62,000 - “You’re moving up in the world, Alice,”
“No you are moving up in the world!”
“We are 1700 quid overdrawn.”
Alice goes on to explain to Tom about how much of her earnings will go to tax, to which Tom replies, “Oh the poor rich people.” After a quick discussion about the Inland Revenue Alice asks Tom a question all of us are secretly wondering about…
“Tell me something,” she ask as she wraps her arms around him,
“Yes my dear sweet wife and companion of my years”
“How on earth can you sleep like a log for 8 hours and not get up in the morning needing to go to the loo?”
“I do want to go to the loo.”
As Tom leaves for wetter pastures, the door bell rings and ‘Postman Pat’ has returned after the morning postal run to secure himself a true blue authentic Alice Hammond autograph. As Pat opens his coat to show Alice the new jumper his wife knitted him Tom enters the kitchen with the question, “Giving my wife a quick flash Pat?” to which he replies, “It’s my new jumper!”
“Now I’ve heard it called everything.”
Our story continues when, after giving Pat a letter to post for her, Alice returns to the bedroom where Tom is getting ready for work. They start talking about Tom missing out the promotion when it is discovered that in his anger Tom had typed up a letter of resignation for Gerald telling him exactly what he could do with his poxy bathroom fittings company. Much to Tom’s horror he quickly discovers that Alice has given his tasteless and totally devoid of wit letter with the Beatrix Potter theme to Pat to post. How will Tom explain this to Gerald? In small syllables it would seem as Tom rushes to work to tell Gerald to disregard his resignation letter, “You’ll get the real thing tomorrow in the post”
“Well thanks Tom I shall enjoy that!”
“No, no you won’t, Gerald”
“Yes I will I like getting letters”. Cutting to the chase Tom gives Gerald a copy of the letter to read. The penny drops; “I don’t mind you resigning Tom”
“I’m not resigning I told you that was a mistake”
“I’m hurt Tom I’m mortally offended I’m cut to the …..thingy”
“Quick”
“I’m going as fast as I can.”
The war of words escalates to possible fisty cuffs where scintillating blows to the jaw may actually be exchanged. But of course, as only grown men can, they settle their misunderstanding by being imminently sensible about the whole thing. Once Tom apologises for the letter which was written in a jocular fashion and sent by mistake, he offers Gerald a helping hand if ever he needs it, to which Tom is quite shocked to discover he needs £20,000 worth of help.
Of course this means that Tom and Gerald must go hat in hand to Alice and ask for the money to save Gerald’s company. When Gerald questions Tom about why they must ask Alice for the money Tom replies, “Will you stop pitching it to me? It’s Alice you have to convince.”
“But you’re the husband you control the finances”
“No I don’t”
“Ah Tom are you a man or what?”
“Or what!”
“Yeah so am I.”
Enter Miranda, looking over Tom and Alice’s house for an appropriate public image in which to present Alice to her fans. Tom introduces Gerald and Miranda with the words, “You two get to know each other or kick each other to death - whatever comes first.” As Miranda and Gerald talk dirty toilet talk, Tom broaches the subject of lending Gerald money for his bathroom fittings company. After a quick discussion as to whose money is whoms, Alice leaves to take Miranda to the station and leaves Tom to explain to Gerald why they can’t lend him any money.
The next morning in bed Tom is bringing Alice a cup of tea when the phone rings.
It’s Gerald and he offers Tom a directorship role in the company. Much to Tom’s surprise Alice had rung Gerald and offered him the money (3% over base rate, making Michael Caine proud) and in return Tom is offered a seat on the board of directors. After a make show act of indignation Tom thanks Alice for what she has done for his career. As Tom turns to leave Alice opens another letter, “Oh God NO!”
“What, What is it? Is your mother coming to visit, what?
“I’ve just earned another £30,000!”
Classis Quotes
# Tom introducing Miranda and Gerald: “You two get to know each other or kick each other to death, what ever comes first.”
#Tom : “Will you stop pitching it to me, its Alice you have to convince”
Gerald : “But you’re the husband, you control the finances”
Tom : “No I don’t”
Gerald : “Ah Tom are you a man or what?”
Tom: “Or what!”
Gerald : “Yeah so am I.”
# Tom to Postman Pat about showing off his new jumper, “Giving my wife a quick flash Pat?”
Pat: “It’s my new jumper!”
Tom: “Now I’ve heard it called everything.”
# Alice: “Tell me something” she ask as she wraps her arms around him
Tom: “Yes my dear sweet wife and companion of my years”
Alice : “How on earth can you sleep like a log for 8 hours and not get up in the morning needing to go to the loo? “
Tom: “I do want to go to the loo.”
# Miranda enters the kitchen after assessing the gardens suitability for a photo shoot: “I’m certain I could do something in the garden.”
Tom :“next door’s cat does so why shouldn’t you?”
# Tom : “How come someone as nice as you married me?”
Alice: “Don’t you remember? You wouldn’t sleep with me until I did.”
# Gerald: “I don’t mind you resigning, Tom.”
Tom: “I’m not resigning I told you that was a mistake.”
Gerald :“I’m hurt Tom I’m mortally offended I’m cut to the…thingy”
Tom : “Quick.”
Gerald :“I’m going as fast as I can.”
Fan Review
The second installment of the series “You must be the Husband”, although not as quick-witted as the pilot still provided enough laughs to make it well worth the watch. Tim Brooke-Taylor and Diane Keene are developing a very comfortable and at times quite feisty husband and wife team. Once again Sheila Steafel provided strong comic backup to Tim’s character and their timing was spot-on. The only dip in the strong cast seemed to be from Garfield Morgan (Gerald) who was just finding his groove when the episode ended. Although this second episode was not quite as strong as the first I am looking forward to getting my hands on some of the remaining shows to see how the characters develop. This show had so much potential it’s a shame that it never quite got off the ground.
On the Giddies-Shag-O0Meter XXX ½ Kisses out of 5 - More of Tom in Bed and the female viewers would have tuned in in droves.
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
The following is a copy of Tom’s resignation letter to Gerald. If you want to wait until you have the opportunity to see the show please don’t read any further.
Dear Gerald
This is to inform you that I am resigning my position as transport manager for your poxy bathroom fittings company. I also wish to inform you that you have a face like a dromedary’s bottom.
Alice : “I see, the formal approach”
Tom : “Right”
You have the personality of a slug. The organizing ability of a hedgehog and the authority of an earthworm.
Alice: “It’s very Beatrix Potter”
Tom: “Well he is an animal lover”
So you know what you can do with your job, don’t you? You can stick it where the monkey sticks his nuts.
Alice: “Tom that last bit was crude, tasteless and totally devoid of wit” Tom: “Yes, I was rather pleased with it.”
So on and so forth. Happy viewing.
For more information see the BBC Website - all images have been found on this site.
Compiled by Karen Upton