"We're the Goodies, Yes the Goodies, oh the Goodies are coming for you - ha ha ha ha!"
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue
Originally entitled "I'm Sorry, They're At It Again", the self-confessed 'antidote to panel games', I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue was first broadcast on 11th April 1972. The idea was conceived as a sort of sequel to I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again by Graeme Garden, who saw it as a way of reproducing ISIRTA's atmosphere and spirit of fun, but without having to write a script. The fact that there was, thus, no need to pay the teams to script-write meant that this went down very well at the BBC!
The original line-up borrowed certain members from the I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again cast: Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Jo Kendall and Bill Oddie. The teams were chaired, to begin with, by Barry Cryer and Humphrey Lyttelton alternatively until, in the second series, they morphed into a more regular set-up: Barry Cryer with Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor with Willie Rushton (who had replaced Bill Oddie after the first series). Humphrey Lyttelton took over as the permanent chairman, a choice which was not entirely random as he was a well-known jazz trumpeter and the premise of the show was to be one of improvisation - thus rendering the show a comedic equivalent of jazz music.
Over the years, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue has gained an enormous following, thanks to the humour, the familiarity and the banter that has come to be associated with the show. Its popularity was founded, however, in the mid 1990s when it received the first of many awards:
1995: Sony Gold Award for Best Comedy Programme
British Comedy Award for Best Comedy Programme
1997: Broadcasting Press Guild - Radio Programme of the Year
Voice of Viewer and Listeners - Radio Programme of the Year
1999: Sony Bronze Award for Comedy
2002: Gold Sony Radio Academy Award for Comedy
2003: Gold Award for Spoken Word Audio of the Year - Comedy and Humour Category for the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Anniversary Special show
2004: Gold Sony Award for Comedy for the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Carol show
Sadly, on 11th December 1996, the show suffered the sad loss of Willie Rushton. The show's producer, Jon Naismith has since remarked: "As befits such an irreplaceable character, he has never been formally replaced." It was, however Jeremy Hardy who first took a place next to Tim the following series and managed to lift some of the gloom by demonstrating his complete and utter lack of musical ability. Since then, Jeremy has been a regular panellist, along with many other respected comedians such as: Tony Hawks, Andy Hamilton, Sandi Toksvig, Stephen Fry, Linda Smith, Bill Bailey, Max Boyce, Ross Noble and Rob Brydon.
Still going strong after 35 years, the show has lost none of its freshness and wit. Despite a combined age of 287, with their humour, intellect and familiar repartee, Tim, Graeme, Barry and Humph have ensured that the show has found a permanent place in the hearts of the Great British Public. Celebrity fan, Jim Broadbent ably summed up the spirit of the show with his opinion that ISIHAC is overflowing with 'absurdity, acerbity, self-mockery and filth.' And we wouldn't have it any other way.
Other noteable I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue factors
Throughout the years, Humph has been ably assisted by his choice of scorers.
Samantha: The most regular judge, who never misses a good score, Samantha is always willing to lend a hand when the teams' points are on the rise. An elusive lady, Samantha does not relish the spotlight, but the rare few who claim to have caught a glimpse of her agree that she is, indeed, very beautiful.
Sven: Humph's right-hand man, Sven, is often described as 'rippling' and 'muscular'. Originally from Sweden, he is well known for inventing yet another popular game whose title takes after a British place name - Beachy Head.
Monica: Monica often stood in for Samantha in the 1980s
At the piano we have, of course, Colin Sell. Humph and Colin enjoy a love/hate relationship and Humph is often heard to complain about how difficult it is to keep control of affairs with Colin 'banging away in the background'. When not being a very sporting source of ridicule on the show, Colin is the head of music at East 15 acting school in Essex.
There is, however, the odd occasion when Colin finds himself double booked and if, after accrimonious rows and the threat of legal action, the other show reluctantly concedes defeat and agrees to take him, there are a number of others, all too willing to take on the dubious honour of standing in for Colin Sell:
Neil Innes: musician; comedian; founder member of The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band; creator of Raggy Dolls.
Matthew Scott: musician who ocassionally stood in for Colin in the 1980s
Dennis King: musician and writer of TV theme tunes, the most noteable being Black Beauty and Wurzel Gummidge.
Listeners
Humph refuses to believe that anyone would want to waste time listening to the show, but he is frequently proved wrong by devoted fan, Mrs Trellis from North Wales. Always ready to create a bulge in Humph's in-tray, a letter floods in from her each week, usually to discuss something newsworthy and important. In Humph's own words: 'silly old bat.'
Of course, no panel show would be worth mentioning without discussing the games. I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue has built up an exceedingly impressive back catalogue over the past thirty years. Here are some of the nation's favourites.
Cheddar Gorge: In this game, the teams have to make up a sentence, saying one word each at a time. However, the object is not to complete the sentence and if Humph spots that an ending has been reached, he will honk his horn. A typical example of the game:
Dear Mrs Smith, I want to apologise for the spillage of some nibbles which regrettably I spilled over cock-a-leekie, and I would like to say further that my trousers are covered with thick, green cock-a-leekie; halitosis is a terrible thing to endure and I must say you are an absolute trooper.
Just a Minim: A musical version of Radio 4's 'Just a Minute'. In this game, each player must try to sing a song of Humph's choosing "without hesitation, deviation, Boutros Boutros Gali or repetition." One deviation, however, is always allowed: the piano accompaniment of Colin Sell.
Sound Charades: In which the teams give full vent to their thespian skills. The game is based on the 'erstwhile TV favourite', Give Us A Clue. Undoubtedly, Humph will find something unspeakably filthy to say about the grandmaster of the game, Lionel Blair. In a clever twist to the original rules - in which the teams have to mime the titles of well-known books, plays, TV shows or films - the ISIHAC teams are allowed to speak. Sound Charades was the birthplace of Barry and Graemes' creations - Hamish and Dougal, and is probably the only situation in which the words: 'Ah, Hamish...' could receive an enormous round of applause and a standing ovation.
Late Arrivals: In this round, the teams have to announce the late arrivals at a society ball for a particular section of the population. These have ranged from The Senior Citizen's Ball ("Will you please welcome that lovely octogenarian couple, Mr and Mrs Cryer...and their father, Barry.") to The Menswear Department Ball ("A warm welcome for Mr and Mrs Bennett-what-has-Llwellyn-Bowen-come-as-this-time and their son, Gordon...")
Limericks: The teams are given a fruitful first line which they then have to complete taking one line each:
In the showers, I bumped into the Pope
He said, 'I have given up hope.'
So he lay in the aisle
With a faraway smile
While we hit him with soap-on-a-rope
Film Club: Often played at the very end of the show, this gives Samantha enough time to disappear for a while wiht one of her new gentlemen friends (usually for a quick mouthful of Jacob's) while the teams think of films which would be enjoyed by certain members of the public.
Monkeyhouse Film Club: "Bring me the Head Keeper, Alfredo Garcia",
Naturists Film Club: "The Lunchpack of Notre Dame" and
Hirsute Persons' Film Club: "Thoroughly Modern Mullet".
One Song to the Tune of Another: A game which is famously difficult to understand despite Humph's many rambling explanations, however the basic rule is to - literally - sing one song to the tune of another. It has featured such gems as Girlfriend in a Coma to the tune of Tiptoe Through the Tulips and I'm A Little Teapot to the tune of O Sole Mio.
Pick Up Song: In which the teams sing along to a well-known disc. This necessitates Samantha's frequent trips to the grammophone library where she often encounters the friendly old archivist. And we can all guess what it is they get up to down there. In this game only, points mean prizes (What do points mean...?) and Humph generously offers a wide variety of gifts for those who succeed: a prize which will ideally suit any home owner who wants to get that authentic Cardiff inner-city effect in their kitchen - it's this lovely Welsh dosser. Not forgetting the prize guarenteed to give the busy executive a vigorous work-out as he sleeps - it's this luxury double bed with interior-sprung mistress.
Chat Up Lines: Every sector of society needs a good chat up line, and the teams are often asked to think up some useful ones. Appropriately enough, the Senior Citizen's Chat Up Lines provoked these responses: 'I could take you to a hip joint...' and 'Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me?' while Motor Mechanic's Chat-Up Lines brough about: 'Let's play petrol pumps...and while we're at it, why don't we test for emissions?' and 'Is that a gear stick, or am I just pleased to see you?'
Uxbridge English Dictionary: The meanings of words are constantly changing and, subsequently, the teams are often asked to think of new definitions for existing words. This allows for a certain amount of word play: 'Impolite - a flaming goblin', 'Meander - she and I', 'Cabbage - the opinions of taxi drivers'. The round proved so popular that a spin-off book, appropriately entitled Uxbridge English Dictionary, is now available.
And, of course,
Mornington Crescent:
Mornington Crescent is, to quote Winston Churchill, a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in an enigma. Professional scholars and historians have tried for centuries to pin down a satisfactory hard copy of the rules, however the harder they try, and the more they uncover, the clearer it becomes to all involved that the history of the game is shrouded in ambiguity. Despite all that has been done for the continuing discovery of the game, the only thing that can be said for certain about Mornington Crescent is the essential principle of the game. At its most basic:
1. Get to Mornington Crescent
2. Try to stop your opponent getting there before you
Otherwise, the means, methods and techniques one can use in order to get to Mornington Crescent have been hotly debated since the game's very birth.
Compiled by Kirstyn Smith